Yesterday was not a good day.
Too much to do, pulled in about 15 different directions, trying to keep up.
But I got most of what I needed to do done.
And I couldn't sleep last night.
Lemme explain.
At my church, we're in the middle of the "Daring Faith" series by Rick Warren. The topic last night centered around "Taking the Initiative".
It was broken down into points of OBEDIENCE to God:
- It should be Immediate
- It should be Completely
- It should be Joyful
- It should be Continually
Right now, my main struggle is Joyful - and I said as much last night during the discussion. My struggle was turning over in my head: "what has God asked me to do, that I haven't done yet?" My list has 5 things on it that are staring me in the face right now.
One is very personal and private, and has been addressed - swiftly and completely as of 5:35 a.m. this morning. It meant getting rid of some things that I was holding onto.
One is health-related, which I am working through right now.
One is being remedied through this blog - but I need to start working on the BIG vision. This helps.
One is an ongoing process, that God is showing me how to manage.
The last one is the one that will be the hardest to do. Because it means I have to let go of my own personal feelings, and do what God has asked me to do: ask for forgiveness, and to forgive.
Yeah, the "whatever" has to be forgiven, and I have to ask for forgiveness.
Hence the tears this morning during my Bible and prayer time.
(my inner little girl goes off to the corner, stamping her feet, hands over her ears, screaming to the top of her lungs "nononononononononononononono" - the adult me looks at her and just shakes her head, picks her up and just lets her cry. The little girl looks up and says "but you don't know what they did to me!!! I was hurt, I was looked over, I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, kind enough, just not ENOUGH!" The adult wipes her tears and tells her: "you won't ever be enough for those kinds of people - it's not up to you to be enough - You have a FATHER who is YOUR More Than Enough. Let Him fill all the places where you feel you're lacking, with ALL of Him." She hugs the little girl.)
My ATTITUDE is blocking my blessing. And I gotta learn how to adjust, let go, and keep moving.
And write a letter of forgiveness.
Imma do it. The little girl needs to heal and grow. So the adult can move on.
Attitude adjusted.
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