My best guy friend was the one who got me back into writing, so today's blog is from a discussion we had... hope you enjoy! (and try not to laugh too hard...)
UnSportsman-Like Conduct
A Step-By-Step Rulebook for Dealing with Sidepieces
A long time
ago, ladies of the evening were calling “sporting women”. They were of the understanding that their
services catered to men who needed to “play” for whatever reason: when the wife
wasn’t able to, didn’t want to, or couldn’t do so at that time. Clients were hush-hush, and there would be
hell to pay if word of private meetings ever became public knowledge. These ladies understood, beyond a shadow of a
doubt: their lives and the lives of
their clients’ wives would never ever cross paths.
Oh, to go back
to the olden days. I call them ladies,
because they understood (and played) by the rules.
Now, with the
advent of instant knowledge (i.e. the Internet, social media, and its ilk),
what was once a quiet and clandestine meeting twice a week, and the occasional
weekend, has been blown wide open by the “other woman”, who wants her just
desserts and her “15 minutes”. This
chickadee has no problem tripping up her man and his family, subjecting their
lives to be ripped apart by scandal, divorce and more digital proof than can
ever be contained in one issue of the National Inquirer.
Bad form, so to
speak.
Sigh. How many times have we cut on the TV and seen
where a movie star/actor’s marriage/relationship has broken down due to a
cheating scandal, what, 8 out of 10 times?
Or, we hear of an athlete, musician, senator, some VIP that has to quit,
take a leave of absence, or just plain hide out because he couldn’t keep it in
his pants?
Why, you may
ask?
SHE, the other
woman, just couldn’t keep it to herself! Tomfoolery, I say. Tomfoolery.
<<whistle>>
FLAG ON THE PLAY!!! UNSPORTSMAN LIKE CONDUCT! Penalty?
Nowadays, you might could get your 15 minutes.
Remember the
rule in grade school: a secret stays a secret when only 1 person knows. Involve a second or third: it is on blast.
So, to you
actors, entertainers, movie stars, singers, rappers, musicians, athletes,
politicians, heads of state, captains of industry (and any other VIPs I may have missed), please pay attention to the
following guidelines. Read it. Memorize it.
Tear it up. Burn it. If you have to write it down, you are
defeating the purpose.
First, the
definition. A Sidepiece is a woman (or,
for Equal Cheating Opportunity, a man) that the well-to-do gentleman calls upon
to “clear their mind” with. She is not “marriage
material”, she is what she is: something to do until something better comes
along or the wife/significant other/ is “back in play”. If you need a more
up-to-date understanding, might I guide your attention to the words of the
rapper, Fabolous: “Cause the entrée
ain't as good without something on the side, ya' know.”
Better yet, as Muhammed Ali's man said to him in the Will Smith movie: "You don't MARRY this one."
Ahem.
<<fanfare>> THE SUCCESSFUL
SIDEPIECE RULES
1. THE SIDEPIECE
SHOULD NOT EVER HAVE ANY DEALING WITH THE WIFE/MAIN GF/THE KIDS.
Your wife is
there, in whatever capacity she holds, good, bad or indifferent. She isn’t going anywhere. She knows that. You
know that. For whatever reasons, the
sidepiece may never understand it. She
doesn’t need to – not part of her AOR (area of responsibility). The sidepiece must know: the WIFE is the first
and the last, the ALL. The Sidepiece
must stay clear of her, preferably in another county, state or continental
divide. In no way, should the Sidepiece
and the Wife/Girlfriend/ Significant Other’s worlds EVER collide.
Children are
just…. NO. NOT EVER. OFF LIMITS. Sidepieces and children should never meet.
Rule Breakers
#1 and 2: Ben Affleck and Arnold Schwarznegger – The Nanny. Really? How stereotypical. See the next
statement in this category. Bad form, gentlemen. Bad form.
Ruler Breaker
#3: several Hollywood stars that broke the one CARDINAL rule of stepping out: don’t bring the sidepiece where you earn your
money, or in laymen’s terms: don’t (bleep) where you eat.
2. THE
SIDEPIECE NEEDS TO KNOW HER ROLE – AND STAY IN HER LANE - The Sidepiece must
understand: at any given time, she can be replaced. She is there as stress/boredom relief, jock
cozy, or just as a sports fish (see Steve Harvey’s book for this definition). Addendum to #2: DO NOT CALL UNLESS BEING CALLED UPON - if the
Sidepiece is needed, YOU call HER. She
should never be able to contact you whenever SHE feels like it. When she starts thinking that she can do
whatever, turn up wherever, you need to drop/dismiss her – do not reward bad
behavior.
Rule
Breaker: Senator John Edwards, you never
told
Rielle she was the Sidepiece, did you?
She figured, well, the wife has untreatable cancer, I can come out the
woodwork!!! Bad form, sir. Bad form.
3. NO PICTURES =
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
Selfies, texts,
tweets, FB status updates, IG, Snapchat, Tumblr, Grindr, video,
basically ANYTHING that can be used by social media to track your "goings-on"
– YOU NOR YOUR SIDEPIECE MUST NOT EVER HAVE IT ON YOUR PERSON OR
PHONE/TABLET/COMPUTER. This is what is
commonly known as PROOF: it can be (and usually is) used in a court of law.
Rule Breaker# 1: Tiger Woods – calling sidepieces back,
sweetie, is only creating MORE evidence – you left a voicemail: c’mon man, your friends should’ve schooled
you better….
Rule Breaker#
2: Donald Sterling. Just think: if you would’ve adopted this policy, nobody
would have found out about her. And you
wouldn’t have lost the Clippers, got divorced, etc. One voice message brought it all falling
down. (Or the fact that you were racist,
I’m just saying.)
4. NOBODY (and
this is very important) BUT YOU AND THE SIDEPIECE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS!!
- Her family, friends and relations,
whoever – the Sidepiece must learn to adopt the “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy. If she don’t know nothing – she can’t be called up to testify, can she? Ronald Isley never lied, "Keep it on the
DL, nobody HAS to know"...this is on a "need to know" basis, if
someone needs to know (i.e. the “cleaner”), the Sidepiece is not the one that
does the talking!
Rule Breaker: Brandi Glanville (in a roundabout manner) –
darling, no one NEEDED to know about Joanna Krupa’s “odor issue”. But to put her on blast like that? You deserved to get ejected from RHOBH.
Remember – snitches get stitches…
5. IF IT'S
OVER....SEE #’s 3 & 4.....loose lips sink ships, and the Sidepiece needs to
know: if you go down, it's worse for her...
Rule
Breaker: in this case, it’s a
woman. One women who has been
red-flagged for the rest of her life: because she named ALL the names – Karrine
Stephans (i.e. Superhead). You wrote a
book, b****. Karma will follow you until
AFTER the grave.
Now, to the Masters
of The Game…
The Fabulous Ladies
with Ninja Skills – these ladies go down in the Other Woman Hall of Fame for
knowing how to draw the line – and got called from the bush leagues to the Big
Time, a.k.a. The Wife. Pay attention,
because their game was, in a word, SICK.
Like,
I-don’t-even-care-if-he-is-married-she-isn’t-here-I-am-deal-with-it. It takes HUGE brass ones to be in this
category. These ladies kept it classy,
still not throwing shade at the ex-wife, and managed to make a name for herself
beyond “The Other Woman”. And, let’s
keep in mind: her game was so ON POINT,
so DISTRACTING, so OFF THE HOOK, that even when her man’s marriage was STARTING
to look shaky – these LADIES had enough juice to make him consider running like
a slave to freedomland. Her mindset was
– “what do I possess that would make this man sit and ponder, ‘exactly how much
would it cost me to get out of this marriage’?”
Angelina Jolie
– sorry, but she played by the rules. Jennifer
Aniston, take note, Angie did what you should have done: she gave Brad what he wanted (kids), what he
needed (an equal partner), and I’m sorry, as straight as I am: have you SEEN Angie?? I saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith – if that was what
happened onscreen…. It has only been recently, did both Angie AND Brad clarify
for the public that they stepped out together during “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” – however,
that was done by design, not by mistake. She gets my “Baddest Bitch of the
Century” award.
Marla Maples –
she’s an ex-wife, but she ran the game so well, she sprung the Donald from a 15
year marriage, got wifed up and a baby…and then divorced HIM. Play on, player, play on!
Elizabeth
Taylor – two words: Debbie who?
Olivia Pope –
yes, she is fictitious, but she is every smart woman’s GUIDE TO CHEATING WITH A
MARRIED IMPORTANT MAN – she followed ALL the DAMN rules – and kept that man
loyal in the process – to the point, he was ready to go to war for her. That’s just…cold-blooded rule playing.
Honorable Mention – LeeAnn Rimes – she’s still learning. If he cheated with you, he will cheat ON
you. Divorced in 9…8…7…
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
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